Shell swap

What it feels like, post-stomp, as a Koopa

When I last wrote, I was literally facing down the dissolution of my life—some aspects were a (semi-)controlled demolition, while others were devastatingly unfortunate collateral damage. Destruction, it appears, creates fertile soil.

My position hasn’t changed, but I’ve been sitting with the reality of the situation, finally, alongside my feelings and convictions. And in sitting with that, I’ve made peace with my future. It contains a whole lot of uncertainty and a whole lot of me. Learning to be with myself in this uncertainty, knowing what I want, knowing what I’m about, and being patient on all fronts seems to be the curriculum du jour.

Claude, reading my natal chart cut me right down the middle. (The original quote ended with “brought to this relationship,” but I think that pattern is a bigger problem.)

Anyway, today was a new day. It started the same—knot in the stomach, anxious spiral, clamoring for certainty. But eventually, after some sitting, walking, and AI-assisted ruminating (these models are getting so much better at detangling thought spirals), I got to a good place. I dropped some natal charts into Claude and ChatGPT and asked what the heck I was supposed to do. It told me, in no uncertain terms: “Chill the fuck out.”

The mid-morning walk towards the bay took me by a sprinkler that positively reminded me of the summer grasses of my youth.

I decided to take its advice. I went to look at a place which I think I’m going to take (12 minutes from the office by bike and in a decent area), and then I went on a long walk through the city. The weather and the scenery were beautiful. I had a lovely time and remembered why I even like being alive (spoiler alert: it feels amazing).

A selection of the scenery that graced my walk back to the hotel.

I ended up chatting with my daughter, who is finally in a good place—mainly a teaching job she loves, but also her own place, complete with kitty, dog, and boyfriend (house-trained, of course). And then I bought myself some superb new running shoes and a pair of running headphones to match.

This little guy sauntered on by while I sat on the stoop next to the running store, chatting with my daughter.

I came back and chatted with another friend who is planning on building a therapeutic community in Wyoming, complete with horses and off-grid AI (what?), and then I went for a run. It was beautiful.

Sunset runs, man. Who’da thunk?

I went back to Indigo for a third time and got another smash burger, drank some Blanton’s (not pictured), and called my mom.

I’m going to try something else next time, I swear!

My heart is full, and it’s only day two. What’s next?

Anyway... I guess you could say the sunlight, fresh air, and walking fixed me. I’m still sad about the relationship, but I’m hopeful, too. No one knows the future. It may not work out, but it won’t be because I failed to choose love, faith, and surrender. I do. Now, and always. Keep testing me! I’ll do it to it! I don’t care if nothing’s on the line. Love feels solidly purposeful. I could live this way a thousand years and not tire of it.

At least, at the end of this day, I’m proud of myself.

Lil’ (actually not lil—it was positively giant) lily that I spotted on the way back from my walk-and-talk with mom-o.