Pulling plugs
Which stopper is stopping me?
What an interesting moment.
I met a soft withdrawal from the budding romance; such grace. I felt though some “money issues,” which turned out to be connected to really foundational interpersonal stuff. My desires have been shifting to my own, internally generated interests. I even felt some latent horror and then immediately had the renewed capacity tested.
Oh, I also quit Twitter.
What’s going on with me?
Well, more of the same. I’ve been on a slow slide down a smooth hill, descending into a space of greater proximity to myself. I no longer have the high ground. This is what I was seeking. One of the greatest outcomes of the more than three years of inner work is that when things come up, I can welcome them. I have the space and the grace, finally, to let that shit just be here. So when I am sitting in a VIEW call, chatting with someone from AoA that I’ve never met before, when it dawns on me that my fundamental desire to share the things I love with others has been thwarted by a fundamental misapprehension about the work required to do that effectively... The glory is that I could meet the grief and sadness and bittersweet compassion of that moment fully and presently. And I could finally accept that whatever I want to do is going to be work. Real work. Tons and tons of hard, deliberate, persistent, patient, curious, creative, confusing, exciting, exhausting, disappointing, rewarding, and delightful, work. I’m here for it, now. That’s what I came here for.
What else?
Oh yeah: I quit Twitter because a lot of the people I’ve liked, cared for, and even considered friends started to post things that I couldn’t abide by. There is somewhat of a schism forming in my little simcluster there. I don’t mind disagreeing with people—I love it and I welcome it—but there’s a certain type of argument that I simply detest, and it gave me a terrible taste in my mouth. People are making unfounded claims about others’ interiority, in a judgmental, condemning way. Are you going to back that shit up? Or just spew? Anyway, rather than sour all of my goodwill toward these folks who kept me company for so long, I decided it would be a great moment to declare my Twitter project succeeded, and take my leave. I’m so excited about what I’m going to do with all the free time. I have so much to read and write, and so much to do and see! I can’t wait.
Other things are normalizing. My SF chapter is coming to a close, as well. I have a smidge more than a week left, and then I’ll pack it all in and drive up the coast, heading back to those greener pastures. I may have a road trip buddy, as well! I promise to get a LOT of pictures. Oh, that reminds me. I’m going to get a 360 camera mount for my bike and ride around some of my favorite spots in the city, before I leave. I may as well get one for the car, while I’m at it.
Okay, done! Weekend ride plans secured. 😎
Where was I?
Uh... yeah. Lots of books to read, writing and research to do... Oh! I’ve been talking to Cadence Bambenek, of Hothouse, and she’s inspired me to actually do that research. These things I’ve been thinking about for a long time, I’m actually starting to take them seriously, and to earnestly bear my ambition and curiosity, rather than keeping it on the shelf. It’s been lovely to finally have someone to listen to all of my unhinged ideas, meanwhile hearing some of her (well-cited) perspectives has helped ground me in the need to actually venture out of my cave and open some literature for a change. I think one of the biggest, clearest impacts those conversations have had on me is getting me to stop thinking so “systemically” and start thinking more practically: rather than focusing all of my faculties on trying to envision the Perfect System and how to get there, I’ve started to see the ways that the current resources and tools can be instrumental in changing things, even as they are. The latest Hothouse article helped opened my eyes to that more tangibly, actually. It’s inspiring and worth a read!
Annnnnnd... I think that’s it for now. I’m still going through 5-7 day cycles of “iffy” and “freedom,” and I am confused by their consistency but open to the psychological changes they’re facilitating. I have one more week here, anyway. We’ll see if it keeps going after that...
